Sports That Should Be In The Olympics (Two)

I liked my earlier post on the topic of sports that should be in the Olympics so much that I went ahead and wrote a story on it for Journalism.

The list of past Olympic sports is disappointing. Upon this list are the sports, tug of war, croquet, lacrosse, and power boating (and those are just the sports that stick out). Why the hell would they ever take tug of war out of the Olympics?! Here are the sports that should be put into future Olympics.

Summer Olympics:

Dolphin riding: All Olympians are put into a tank with one dolphin. The first to mount and ride the dolphin wins.

Bear Wrestling: One Bear. One tub full of pudding. One survivor… or not.

Eating: This sport isn’t for the faint of heart. Olympians will not be faced with food like hot dogs, but food like dinosaur arms, wolf hearts, and spaghetti snakes. Of course, each contestant would have a pint of egg nog to wash it down.

Jousting: On an animal of their choice, two people charge eachother armed with giant squids. This sport is often played in Europe, Canada, and scattered parts of Antarctica.

Nerfing: It is like paintballing, except the players are armed with Nerf guns instead. Casualties are common in this sport, many people a year are killed in Nerfing accidents.

Pokemon Battles: Olympians link up their Gameboys and duel eachother. Or a crocodile dressed as Pikachu and a gorilla dressed as Charmander fight in a cage, which Pokemon will win?

Ping Pong: Played with a nine pound lead ball and tennis rackets. All contestants must wear goggles and a helmet while playing.

Lion Taming: Each Olympian is given a lion, a chair, and a whip. The first to teach the lion to juggle flaming spears wins.

Lightsaber Duel: Olympians with a high metachlorian count are chosen by the council to take part in one HUGE epic lightsaber duel. The winner is the person with the most limbs by the end of the battle.
Duck Duck Goose: It’s a ladder tournament, the top three players from each round continue on to the next. No mush pot, if someone gets out, they are out.

Winter Sports:

Snowball fights: Very similar, actually almost identical, to the lightsaber duel held in the summer Olympics. Every contestant is armed with snowballs, the one with the most limbs by the end of the game wins. Just kidding.

Snow: Snow.

Snowman building: Olympians are put into a small room with a really big, hot light. The first to build a suitable snowman before the snow melts wins. Unfortunately, many people burn to death in the process.

Polar Bear Wrestling: One Bear. One tub full of snow. One Klondike Bar awarded to the winner. “What would YOU do for a Klondike Bar?”

Snow Angels: Bird watching? No. Angel watching, better yet, snow angel watching. The first to harpoon the rare Alaskan Snow Angel takes home the gold. The losers are left to find a way home.

Peeing in The Snow: is playable by male Olympians only. Each person must spell their country’s name (correctly) in the snow. This includes dotting the I’s, crossing the T’s, and shaking twice.

Ice Fishing: Not quite the “Eskimo in the hut” stereotype ice fishing is usually portrayed as; Olympic ice fishing includes eight foot sharks, spear guns, and lava. Play at own risk.

Moose hunting: No, not from a helicopter, from the ground. Like a decent person would hunt a moose.  Olympians are dressed in 300 pound bear-wrestling suits, and, well. They can’t move, we need to fix the kinks in that one. CARIBOO!

Parah Salin with Sarah Palin: Olympians are dropped from a helicopter with maverick Sarah Palin, and the person who makes it to the ground without shooting themselves wins.

Ice Red Light Green Light: it is Red Light Green Light, the game we all loved growing up, but on ice! Rocket skates are not prohibited, but highly frowned upon due to too many explosions.

Now that would be worth watching. Then at the end of the games, all the Olympians would be put on a deserted island and armed with various weapons for a battle royal. Except for the bear wrestlers and lion tamers, they lose and they’re dead.

Sandwiches (Or The Story That Fat Journalism Bitch Won’t Accept As My Opinions Article)

Food is delicious. Everyone loves food, and without it, humans couldn’t survive. But which food is the best? First, define best: easy to make, convenient to pack, scrumptious for all ages, sounds about right. Actually, sounds a lot like sandwiches.

Before anyone gets confused, there is a fine line between meals and snacks. There are three meals in a day, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When one doesn’t eat enough at a meal, or their meals are far apart, they eat snacks to calm their stomachs.

Snacks are usually pre-packaged food. Fruit Roll Ups, chips, fruits, cookies, even Cup of Noodle are all excellent examples of snacks. Sandwiches take a bit more time to craft, and fill the consumer’s stomach more, thus they are meal foods.

Sandwiches come in a variety of different shapes and sizes. They can be cut into the shape of a star for children to enjoy or into a football for men to grunt at. Also, many combinations of sandwiches can be made. Just about the only way to not like sandwiches is to be allergic to delicious.

Many may be thinking ‘Eating meat is bad, sandwiches are bad’. Slow down on the assumptions Speed Racer; sandwiches are not always made of meat. Actually, one of the most popular sandwiches has no meat whatsoever, the PB&J. There are also sandwiches with tofu, or fake meat.

Not only are sandwiches perfect for any occasion, from birthday parties to dance parties, they go great as any meal. Put eggs and bacon between two pieces of toast, breakfast sandwich. Slap a piece of roast beef between some sour dough, dinner sandwich, and who hasn’t had a sandwich for lunch?

Although sandwiches take more time to make than snack foods, they’re still made in less time and effort than a lot of other meals. Chicken takes many hours in the oven, burritos require time consuming folding, and pizza also needs time in the oven. All that wasted time, time that could be better spent saving babies from fires.

“I bring a sandwich to school everyday and I never get tired of them. It’s a perfect on the go meal,” said Grace Roderick, a freshman at Ukiahi, “Sandwiches are my second favorite food, behind macaroni and cheese.”

Macaroni and cheese may be tasty, but when one is on the go it is difficult to pack. Many foods require expensive containers, such as Tupperware, to make them portable. Shove a sandwich in a plastic bag, good to go.

When asked if he could think of another food that’s as easy to make, delicious, and packed with ease, Matt Turnbow, a freshman at Ukiahi, said, “There are none, the sandwich is the god of foods.”

The ultimate meal food is easy to pack, yummy for everyone, and made without difficulty. As stated, the sandwich qualifies in each of these categories. The ultimate meal food is sandwiches.

Sand plus witch equals sandwich
Sand plus witch equals sandwich
Sandwiches I like to eat
Sandwiches can’t be beat
They are pretty sweet
With lots of cheese and meat
Chigeddy check yo’self

Economy Evaluation

I’m very particular with my Halloween candy. Every Halloween, I come home with a pillow case half full of candy, and the first thing I do is organize it. There’s the chocolate pile, the hard candy pile, the Tootsie Roll pile, and the Wonka Candy. Anything that doesn’t fall into those categories is categorized according to the way the candy is packaged. Wait, but what does this have to do with the Economy?

This year after organizing my candy, something struck me as odd. The hard candy pile grew three times larger than last year’s, and the chocolate pile shrunk 37.5%. What could cause this outrageous change in candy levels? The poor economy of the United State of America.

The off brand big bags of hard candy are cheaper than the fun size chocolate brands. Usually people are willing to go the extra mile to make their trick-or-treaters happy, and they purchase the delicious chocolate candy. But this year, trick-or-treating was not as chocolate filled as last year’s Halloween.

I’m conducting an experiment to see how newly elected President Barack Obama does on fixing the US economy. Each Halloween while Obama is in office, I will add the new candy statistics to the chart above. If there’s an increase in chocolate candy, then the economy is doing better, thus people are purchasing the more expensive, more delicious, candy. If there’s an increase in hard candy, it means the economy is doing poorly, forcing people to buy the cheap stuff. Don’t let me down Obama.

Barack Obama

Congratulations Mr. President

I Believe in Scotty

As you, my readers; by readers I mean 8 people that accidentally stumbled upon this blog and now want to shoot themselves, know I play World Of Warcraft. What you didn’t know about is Scotty. Scotty is this guy that also lives in Ukiah, and he rocks at WoW. I play with him all the time, but nobody we know, besides his sister, has ever met him. We all only know him over WoW. We were beginning to doubt his existence. Maybe he was a robot, or a 40 year old guy trying to pass off as a 22 year old. Whenever we try to hang out with Scotty, he always flakes for some odd reason. Today we were supposed to meet with him at the Pumpkin Fest, but guess what? He flaked. I said no, I’m meeting Scotty today. We found out his address. I met Scotty.